The Unpostable Posts

I write many posts that are never published.  These posts are rants, exposes on people that have done me wrong, confessions.  The problem is that there is just too much truth and reality contained within their harsh words.

I am a late bloomer, I believe.  I am maturing slowly in many areas of my emotional self.  What I am discovering is that it is okay to be honest, to record my true feelings, my harsh reactions.  But I don't need to share them with the world.

I know.  You are saying: "Yeah, we all know this.  It is cathartic to write a letter to someone and then just don't mail it." Everyone knows that it is healthy to keep a journal.

But how many of us really take the time to do this? I think a lot of stuff.  I think way too much.  I sometimes wish I could just stop thinking and make it through a day a mindless blob.  It would be so much easier.  Lemmings are very happy creatures.  No worries.  Hakuna matata! Right?

Do you know how many journals I have destroyed? I honestly didn't want anyone reading the stuff in my journals, ever.  I have this need to hide part of myself from others.  It isn't because there is evil or ugly stuff there, though there is some of that.  I believe it is a control issue.  I am sure Freud would have a lot to say about that.  I have allowed others to have parts of myself that I wish I could take back.  And some of that came in the form of words, letters, honesty, even surrender.

You can't take back words.  Once they are out there they are OUT THERE!
 
So this is my non-post about all of those harsh, truthful, not-so-nice, sometimes ugly posts that I will never publish.

Early Light Photography

Bell pepper

Black cherry tomatoes

Chair on deck

Bok choi, pepper, snow peas thinned out

Purslane - an edible weed

No words necessary.  Just enjoying the beautiful morning and the lovely light and decided to share a little with you.

Deck Garden - Finishing Up

Overnight, my deck garden recovered from the trauma of transplanting and perked up greeting the strong morning sun. I just had to capture this beginning.

I love to look back at where my garden started, the bare dirt, the tiny plants, the hope of something delicious and nutritious. 

Yesterday I got a great start on putting my fall deck garden together, moving this plant from the big container to its own container, giving all of the plants more room to grow.

Today with the early fall sunshine encouraging my little plants to do something grand, it just created a sense of excitement. 

I had already walked around my gardens in the front yard and back.  I had already plucked numerous cherry tomatoes that tasted like pure delight into my mouth (must get my Vitamin C, right?).  I had picked the last of the Cosse Violette bean pods from the front garden that had dried up and removed the beans to preserve for seed.  I had already picked at least 15 pounds of pears.  I had already watered my garage container garden noticing that the snow pea plants were about 6-8 inches already and reaching through the last of the bean plants in that container.  The pods on those plants still being quite purple I must leave the plants in place.

A nice surprise is how quickly the Dwarf Bok Choi grows.  My plants are only a couple of weeks along and they are already getting some thickness to the stalks.  I can see planting these many times throughout the fall and winter bringing them into the house at night.

After planting red leaf lettuce, spinach and Aichi cabbage seeds in hanging baskets, I took some pictures to share.  Enjoy!

Calabrese broccoli and bok choi (center)

Aichi cabbage

Dwarf  Bok Choi

 

 

Snow peas, bok choi and jalapeno peppers

Red cabbage

Red leaf lettuce, spinach and Aichi cabbage seeds sown

Oh the Sun! Oh the Dirt!

It is a glorious day here in Connecticut. Early, when I arose, it was in the 50's and a bit nippy. But now! Oh, now it is perfect!!!

Last weekend I asked my 19yo and 12yo sons to fill up my new containers with soil and compost. Although they kind of skipped the compost it is what it is at this point and I am not dragging buckets full of compost up to my second story deck.

Soaking wheat berries to sprout

 The boys off to their first day of school this year, a pork roast in the slow cooker for pulled pork sandwiches tonight, wheat berries soaking in one of my really big new Ball jars, a little knitting done while watching a show on Netflix, I decided it was time to pot my fall veggie seedlings.

In the back, the medium-sized black container has my bell pepper plant along with purslane (remember I grow weeds deliberately).

Fall container garden

To the left of that is the larger black container with snow peas, Calabrese broccoli and another bell pepper plant.  The largest green container has bok choi, snow peas, and three jalapeno pepper plants.  The closest square container has four Calabrese broccoli plants.  The small green container has Aichi cabbage.  In the small pots are Calabrese broccoli.  We do love our broccoli.  Still left to plant are the four hanging baskets which will each get one variety of lettuce for baby greens throughout the fall and winter months.  And in the other large square container I will probably plant more Aichi cabbage which didn't germinate well in the flat.

I decided to grow my fall garden on my deck because I didn't want to bother with pests, diseases and deer, and my tomatoes and cukes are still providing lots of yummies every day.

In the lettuce bed I will be planting my seed garlic which should arrive in October.  I plan to put 3 inches of compost in that bed, turn it a couple of times and then just grow lots of garlic.  Lots and lots of garlic.

The bed in the front yard I am thinking about planting a green cover crop.  Still haven't decided if I have the energy.

The kale seeds do not germinate well and are very slow to grow.  I have three seedlings and one larger plant that I am hoping will go to seed so I can save the seeds for next year (and some for my seed saver collection). I will need to research ways to encourage kale seed germination.

Well, that's how this sunny day is being celebrated in Connecticut.

Joy in the Junk

Face it! We all have a lot of junk to deal with.  Every day, all day long, life interferes with our selves, so to speak. Life infringes upon our thoughts, our plans, our hope, our dreams. We all know the not so cute little saying: "Life sucks!" Well, sometimes it really does.

So how do I stay so hopeful and find joy most of the time.  And I really do.  I am not a worrier.  I have worries, or things, complications, situations, and most of my life, that is not under my control.  But I do not sit there stressing about it, wringing my hands and hyperventilating.  That just isn't my nature. 

From the time I was young I learned to escape.  I know I have mentioned this before.  I honestly believe this coping mechanism allowed me to survive some tough times growing up and as an adult.  When I was younger, though, I never really knew what joy was. How do I get it? How do I maintain it? How do I keep it from slipping away when I get irritated and bothered by LIFE?

As I got older I began to exchange escapism for joyful productivity.  Sometimes it was sewing, quilting, knitting or crocheting.  Much of the time it was cooking and baking.  I found that instead of just hiding away with a book and disappearing from my life to avoid the pain I could work through it. 

But then after many years struggling with illness I seemed to arrive at a place where I have joy just being.

Sounds like Nirvana, right? I am an intense person.  I feel deeply.  I give generously.  I care too much sometimes.  My personality type often sees injustice in everything.  And I really do. 

So how in the world does someone like me find joy? I took control of a few basic things like kicking really awful, negative people out of my life.  Sounds terrible doesn't it?  But I came to the conclusion that it was necessary or I was going to completely disintegrate and disappear.  My decision has brought great hardship upon me and my children but I wouldn't change it for the world.  And my children all agree with me (well, most of them). 

Sometimes you have to stand up and say, "Enough!!!"

I had to stand up for myself.  I had to go against my church, my husband, even much of my family in order to find relief from the horrible emotional suffering I was experiencing.  But I did it.

Joy is found in being yourself, not who or what someone else wants you to be.  Joy is found in giving yourself permission to enjoy life.  I no longer feel guilty for enjoying food, wine, walking in the park, capturing a sunrise, telling my children we are having sandwiches for dinner.  Joy is found in a moment.

How do you find joy?

Rainbows and Unicorns

We've all heard the phrase, "Go to your happy place." 

Where do you go, mentally and emotionally, when your entire life feels like it is falling apart?

Some people just emote: cry, yell, and vent. 

Some people close up and shut everyone else out.

Some people go spend a lot of money.  Retail therapy, you know.

Some people scrub, rearrange and purge clutter.

Some people pray real hard.

Some people dream big dreams about what could be.

Some people just read their Bibles quietly.

Some people literally pack up and leave town.

Some people post all about it on Facebook (and we all wish that they hadn't).

Do you have a happy place?  Have you created an internal place of refuge that brings you back to center?

Of course, what we are really talking about are coping mechanisms.  Everyone has a bad day here and there.  Everyone.  Sometimes, though, people have a bad year, or bad YEARS.  Sometimes there is so much loss that the soul resembles Swiss cheese.  Swiss cheese that has been left out overnight and is now limp and greasy.  Some people never really recover from their losses.

I was speaking with someone the other day and they admitted that they do not have a happy place at all.  There is no internal place of comfort and peace.  That it seems to be black everywhere. One day I just blurted out, "Rainbows and unicorns!"  I then explained that when I felt the mood had gone too far into the blackness I would say, "Rainbows and unicorns!" to change the mood.  I don't think it helped.

That got me thinking about whether I had my own happy place.

When I was younger I learned the art of escapism.  I had a wonderful imagination, regularly climbed trees, even hid out on our roof.  I knew how to get away from the pain.  But I never dealt with it. 

When I got a little older I didn't escape as much.  It didn't seem to work.  Of course, I was a poor single mom, and escaping for an adult usually costs money.  There were no free Kindle books then and I have never been a crier which is a real shame.

Then I "got religion*" and was taught that escapism was wrong, bad, cowardly. 

A few years more down the road and I had a couple more children, a disconnected husband, and an idealistic point of view -- I have always been idealistic. I began to finally reach a point where I had to face my demons instead of hiding or escaping from them.  Oh,  I still had my escapes. Were they really escapes, or were they my "happy places"?

After the loss of an early pregnancy, I planted an herb garden in my backyard.  Was that an escape or a therapeutic exercise? I created something beautiful and useful as a way to work through my pain and disappointment. I realized that my happy place is not an internal place where only I am allowed.  My happy place is something external, something beautiful that I can enjoy but can also share with those around me. The internal part is the planning, which is extremely pleasurable to me. This is the truly creative part of any project, and might have something to do with the oh so many unfinished projects in my possession.

So my happy place is creating something.  That is what truly settles me down, brings me back to a place of civility and calm.  

What or where is your "happy place"?

*In 1984 I joined a church that was a borderline cult.  It didn't quite qualify as a Reverend Jones kind of cult, but it had controlling leadership, isolation, and no heart.  It was legalistic and therefore "religion," not a healthy spirituality.

Just Behave, Dear!

Warning: there are some choice words in this post. 

Something is trying to rage out of my inner being.  My bullshit meter has been going off a lot lately.  A LOT!  Most of my Facebook friends know where I stand on GMO's (genetically modified organisms) as in our food supply is mostly derived from genetically modified seeds (foreign DNA forced into plant seeds).

I drive my Facebook friends crazy with my postings on my wall and on Kellogg's pages (we are boycotting Kellogg Company and trying to inform the general public on what GMO's are -- most people don't know anything about them).

So I heard that most farm bureaus are just biotech marketing forums  SOOOOO I decided to start checking out farm bureau Facebook pages.  What do I find? All of these pro-GMO and chemical posts, blogs, etc.  Apparently farm bureaus ARE just biotech marketing forums.

Anyone who really knows me knows that I am not a quiet, demure, obedient woman.  Nope.  I'm not.  I am polite.  I am punctual.  I am respectful.  I am law-abiding and I pay my taxes.  I don't cheat and I don't steal and I don't usually swear.  Most people misinterpret these characteristics to mean that I am gullible and submissive, maybe even not so bright.

I do think for myself.  I do not allow my friends and family to influence me much.  On the flip side I am not a gossip and I am not self-righteous (most of the time).  I believe what I believe because these are the conclusions I have reached after careful research and deliberation.  I am, however, always willing to listen to the other side and have the ability to understand the perspective of the opposition.  I respect those who are passionate about whatever they believe.

Now we get to the point of this blog post.  I started commenting on farm bureau articles.  I got the usual corporate responses.  I was respectful and posted a different view.  I can do this all day long.  What I can't stand, and what has really angered me until I am nearly seeing red is a man telling me that the government and chemical companies declared that something is safe, so it must be.

Okay, something in me wants to completely blast these guys.  Here is what I am hearing:

"Don't worry your pretty little head over such things, honey!"

Yep, that is what I am hearing.  This whole thing just gushes paternalistic, patriarchal bullshit!!!  Really?  You say so, and you're a man in business, so that settles it?  We should just believe you?  Really???

I will leave you with this little piece I got from a book I own called, Bright and Happy Homes, Household Guide and Companion, The Choicest Treasures of Wisdom, Instruction, Amusement, and Devotion, published in 1882 by Fairbanks, Palmer & Co.  

How great a thing it is to understand a daughter's mind in which sensibility, that demands sympathy, has so much larger a place than logic, that needs only to be reasoned out.

We believe that there is sex in mind, and that the essential type of womanhood appears equally in the example of the highest culture and genius, as in the average standard.

Every page shows the woman's guiding pen, no matter whether a De Steal or a Godwin ranges into the bolder realms of thought, or an Edgeworth or Hemans walks among the daily affections and cares of life.

A true culture must be based upon this fact, and the mind must be trained in accordance.

Little may be gained by persisting in making a dry logician of a school girl, for abstract reasoning is rarely a woman's forte, but precisely on that account, the reason must be appealed to by the living truth, which will find a ready response from perceptions so quick and intuitive as often to see at a glance what the logical understanding will with difficulty argue out.

It is a great mistake to try to train a girl to be a man, in case of mind, or way of life.

We can never slight the hint of nature without bringing down her retribution, and temporary success but delays the evil day.

Truly trained, the girl will have as much reason as the boy; and hers will be more intuitive, whilst his may be more formal and severe in its reasoning.

Strength of character will be hers, not, perhaps, so much the stern sense of justice that most marks the masculine conscience, as the full and earnest affection that adds mercy to justice, and love to duty.  Force of will shall be hers, not perhaps the iron will of man, but what is quite as well, and in its place better, the heroic patience that conquers evil by enduring it.

The result shall be a disciplined, sagacious intellect without masculine hardness, delicate sensibility without imbecile listlessness, active energy without moping drudgery, a combination of powers and graces that wins homage from every heart.

I would not adopt any definition of woman's power less generous than the hint of nature, and the will of God.  Rather allow the largest scope to the development of every gift, and trust the feminine instinct to vindicate its own prerogative, whatever be the talent called into requisition.

In another passage in this book it discusses women doing the work of men:

While woman preserves her sex, she will necessarily be feebler than man, and having all her special bodily and mental characters, will have, to a certain extent, her own sphere of activity.  When she has pretty well divested herself of her sex, she may then take his ground, and do his work; but she will have lost her feminine attractions, and probably, also, her chief feminine functions.

Yes, men used to believe this.  Many still do.  Just ask some of the older men who still think they run the world.

Finally, I really love this passage:

Yet more sternly we must carry out the doctrine of the need of an education essentially self-relying...

He will remember its (fortunes) uncertainties, and beware of sanctioning the too prevalent folly which regards woman as born to be petted and dependent, and brands a rational and self-relying education as masculine and ungraceful.

If we have our eyes open we must see the wretchedness of this system, and regard every daughter as cruelly treated who is not enabled without loss of self-respect, in case of need, to take a stand for herself, and prefer, to an uncongenial marriage, or a degrading dependence, reliance upon her own arts of accomplishment or utility.

One second I think the author of this book is a real Neanderthal and the next I realize that he is quite progressive in his attitudes towards women.

Just had to share where my head is today.